Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
