I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize