Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
