So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
