I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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