Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
