dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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