why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
