Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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