Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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