I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
