OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
