Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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