You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
