My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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