if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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