Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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