I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
