I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
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