What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
