hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
