A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize