Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
