you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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