while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
not ubering you a puppy
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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