Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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