I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
