That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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