i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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