mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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