listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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