Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
