On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
