I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
