6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
