Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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