just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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