This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
we made out on top of his cat.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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