Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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