Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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