I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize