We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
