Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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