I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
