Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
