my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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