I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
