Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I have tasted many bathrooms
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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