Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
