My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize