Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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