Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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