you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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