Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
