I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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