clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it hurts more in the daytime
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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