he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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