My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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