Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
