I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
