you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
